Lots of changes have been happening around here lately. I can handle little changes and just kinda go with the flow and be just fine with them. Big changes, however, kinda freak me out a little. OK, a lot. Between school for me, H turning 17, H getting his driver's license in the next few days, and me changing schools and following a dream, it's been a roller coaster the last few months.
H turned 17 in November. It's so hard as his mama to see my baby boy as a young man. To me, he should still be that little boy who thought Mama knew everything. As a typical teenager, I'm convinced that he thinks I'm the dumbest human on Earth. Sometimes, I think it shocks him that I actually have brains and am actually quite intelligent. But then, 5 minutes later, he's asking me some random question and still believes everything I tell him. I'm waiting to get my brains back, but since I didn't acknowledge that either of my parents knew anything until I was about 30, I guess I have a pretty long wait.
I just finished my 3rd quarter in my pursuit of my Associate's Degree in Applied Science. The hardest class was Anatomy/Physiology and I aced it. Fortunately, for me, the way the human body works (or doesn't) fascinates me. I've kept my 4.0 GPA and haven't gotten any further gray hair.
The other big change is that I decided to truly follow a dream and go to nursing school. I have so loved being in the classroom and being a labor/delivery nurse has been my dream since H was about 2. I do worry that my tender Pisces heart will make it tough to handle some of the heartbreak that comes with delivering babies, but I also know that same tender heart will make being a nurse truly the best decision I could ever make. I'll graduate in about 2 years and finally have my RN before I turn 45. Since I'm going in with a 4.0 GPA, I will be at the top of the pack and hopefully won't get wait listed.
I'm really kinda scared about the medical classes that I'll have to take and learning how to do an OB/GYN exam sort of creeps me out (what if the woman's parts smell awful??), but at the same time, I'm so excited about starting this new phase of my life. I honestly can't wait to be on the hospital floor helping families celebrate the best moments of their lives. Strangely enough, I also can't wait to console families in those awful moments when their dream of becoming a parent does not come true. I know that's when my compassionate, loving and tender personality will truly be able to shine, possibly for the first time in my life. I've been working toward making this dream of my own come true for a very long time. I feel at peace and comfortable in my own skin for the first time.
I want to be the kind of nurse that I had when I was in labor with H. She was maternal, loving, comforting, gentle but she also was tough when she needed to be, like when H's heart rate dropped and didn't come back up. She looked at me and told me that I either needed to get him OUT or I needed to consent to a C-section. She didn't give me any other options. When I was getting my epidural (after literally about 72 hours - he was a stubborn thing...), she told me to just put my head on her chest and rubbed my hair while the anesthesiologist did his thing. That simple gesture made me relax so it was easier to get the catheter in my spine. I also want to be the kind of nurse as my OB/GYN. I don't see the doctor but the nurse practitioner. That's mostly because the doctor fishes with Daddy and that's a little weird. But it's also because Pat is just simply fantastic and doesn't take any crap from me.
I hope I don't get overwhelmed with all the changes that have happened the last few months and that are going to keep happening at least in the near future. The last thing I want is to have my anxiety levels get too high. I don't want it to get so bad that I have to hide until I figure shit out. So far, that hasn't happened, but I also know that it is a possibility. I also know that I have a phenomenal support system with family and friends to help me if and when I need it.