Oh the changes....

I am not a person that accepts change very easily.  It's always been difficult for me.  H is the same way.  But we have had A LOT of changes in our little family since January.  The first big change is that I moved in with Mom at the end of January.  I was not particularly happy about moving in with my mother at the age of 43.  I took great pride in the fact that I was the only one of her 3 kids that had NOT moved back home.  But I had a choice between moving in with Mom and being homeless because I couldn't afford to pay the freakin expensive as hell rent anymore so I packed up the cats and we moved to Fuquay.  I also always swore that I would NEVER live in Fuquay.  I had lived in Cary or Morrisville my entire adult life.  We have all slowly adapted to living with Mom.  Georgie stalks around downstairs like he owns the joint.  He also enjoys intimidating Mom's little dog, Ollie.  Saturn is Saturn.  She runs.  And runs some more.  And whines to be fed.  Sniper, the resident old man-cat, just sort of watches everything from the hallway upstairs with benign amusement. 

I also finally went back to school.  I started again in April to finish my Certified Medical Assistant.  Projected graduation is February 2019.   

The other HUGE change is that I met the love of my life.  We are getting married on September 1.  Just 16 more days!  When I said that I would never move to Fuquay, I didn't expect to meet the man of my dreams, who happens to also live in Fuquay.  Being totally and completely in love helped me see that maybe Fuquay isn't so bad.  My amazing future husband and I were friends for well over a year before he finally asked me out on a date.  Our first date was April 19.  He proposed on May 21.  I am a firm believer of "when you know, you know.  Why wait any longer than necessary?"

I am hoping that all of these changes will not make my anxiety flare up and take hold again.  I have taken great pride in the fact that I have not had to be on any sort of antidepressant or anti-anxiety since February.  For the first time in my adult life, I don't feel like I need either one.  For now, I'm just kinda going with the flow and, honestly, I'm enjoying the ride. 

For now, anyway..........

Loss

It’s been a while since I’ve been able to write. So much has happened and I haven’t really been able to get the words out. I’m trying though.

I’ve had 2 major losses in my house in July.  It started on July 15 with the death of my mom’s older sister. Aunt Cathie was like a second mom to me in a lot of ways. While we knew that she had been sick, she had Alzheimer’s and was going downhill, nothing prepared me for the day that she actually died. The entire family was there. She was surrounded by the people she loved most in the world - her husband, children, grandchildren and sisters.  I miss her everyday. I miss “helping” her decorate cakes in the summers (meaning stealing some icing when she wasn’t looking). I love you Aunt Cathie and I know we will meet again.

The other loss happened on July 30. My beautiful Harper passed away. She was only 6. It has been so hard to put into words how much I love that fat little black kitty. And yes, I mean love. Not loved. It’s not past tense. Harper had an autoimmune disorder called Evans Syndrome that mimics liver failure. She started acting kinda punky on July 20.  There was a ton of construction going on at my apartment that week with the roof being replaced. Harper always was the more sensitive of the 4 cats so I figured she was just wigging out about that. I took her to the emergency vet on July 27 and her vitals were normal. The vet told me that if she didn’t start eating by Saturday, I needed to take her to her normal vet.  When I took her to the regular vet, they did blood work that showed her liver was failing.  Dr. Struck said that her liver values and blood count showed that she had Evans Syndrome and we needed to start steroids immediately. They took her into the back to start them. I got a call the following afternoon that she was not responding to the meds and I needed to make a decision. I went up there to sign the forms for euthanasia. My sweet, fat, amazing Plum passed away peacefully in her favorite place - Mama’s arms while I sang “You are My Sunshine” to her.  She had her tiny little black head tucked under my chin like she used to do when she was a baby and was scared and/or cold.

This little girl touched my heart. She always knew when Mama was hurting or angry or just upset about something. She would always cuddle very close to me. She slept right under me every night. I’m finally starting to get used to not having her to sleep with at night. Sniper has finally stopped calling for his little sister. Georgie is actually being a little sweeter. Saturn is Saturn. Still just runs at full speed around the house. She has kinda taken over Harper’s Head Bitch position and is relishing her newfound authority over the boys.

They say time heals all wounds. I’m waiting for that to happen. In the meantime, I watch for that little black hummingbird that flies into my porch most every Sunday afternoon. I am fully convinced that it’s Harper coming to check in with Mama. Maybe Aunt Cathie is with her. I don’t know. What I do know is this:  Harper will find me again when she’s ready to come home.  I know this without a show of a doubt in my mind. I just have to wait until she’s ready.

6 weeks

The last 6 weeks or so has been incredibly long.  I've been in a deep depression/anxiety loop.  I'm not really sure where it came from, but it hit me hard.  It started in late April, around the same time as the 1 year anniversary since I lost my job.  I had to have some blood work done to make sure I didn't have an autoimmune disorder (I don't), H is being a typical teenager, changes with school for me, getting out into the dating world again after 2 years....  The list can go on for a while.  I don't do big changes very well so all of this hit me like a ton of bricks.  Thank God I have a good doctor who doesn't hesitate to increase my medication if and when it's needed.  I was thinking of the things that have helped me cope with this terrible "loop" and thought I would write them down.  Maybe it will help someone else at some point.  Maybe it will help me again at some point to go back over this post and remind myself that I will be OK.

Please remember that I'm not a doctor.  These are things that help me.  Please talk with your doctor if you are having problems with depression or anxiety.    

Family

My family is incredibly supportive and always has been and I am incredibly close to most of them.  The unconditional love that comes with (most) families is a tremendous help.  Knowing that you can call a family member that will listen to you yell, scream, repeat yourself over and over makes handling these "loops" a little easier. 

Friends

Being a typical Pisces, I don't have a lot of super close friends.  I have a lot of acquaintances, but only a handful of people that I trust enough to open up.  Unfortunately, I don't trust just one person to tell everything.  There are things I talk to Mom about or my cousin or my sister or one of my 3 best friends.  It's something I know that I need to work on.  The love and acceptance between friends is different from what is gotten from family.  These people know about my "issues" and not only accept it, but still want to be seen with me, even on my worst days.

Music

As is fairly typical with a Pisces, music is therapy for me.  I can get lost in listening to a variety of music while I'm sitting on my porch.  Music is an escape.  My downstairs neighbors get a nightly "porch concert", which I'm not sure they particularly enjoy, but it makes me feel grounded and safe.  My go-to is usually pop-opera like Il Divo, good old country music (Tim McGraw/Brad Paisley), and people that nobody has ever really heard of like Ramin Karimloo and Sierra Boggess. 

Writing

I don't write as much as I should, but it is very therapeutic to see those words pop up as I type.  It's almost like once I start, the words just seem to flow.  I might be writing for school or even helping H write an essay.  Either way, writing helps more than I even realize sometimes.

Breathing

Breathing seems like such a simple thing to do.  But when you're in the middle of a panic attack, it makes it hard to breathe.  I can usually feel a panic attack coming on about an hour or so before it starts because my chest feels tight, almost like an asthma attack.  My doctor makes sure that I always have a prescription for a rescue inhaler.  Breathing deeply in and out can sometimes make a panic attack a little shorter.

H and the cats

This one is a very personal and very effective aid in dealing with the "loop".  H is finally old enough to understand that Mama isn't just being weirder than normal.  He might not actually offer words of encouragement, but he will hand a cat to me, reminding me that they are good "tear catchers".  The cats with their antics (particularly Saturn with her constant running) rarely fail to make me at least smile, if not laugh outright.  She is such a little nut and possibly the happiest cat on the planet.

Being alone

I know this seems like the wrong thing to do when you're stuck in this vicious loop, but for me, having my alone time is a requirement.  If I do feel like I need to hide from the world for a while, I also know that I'm not completely alone since I can pick up the phone and have human contact without actually leaving my apartment.

Being crafty

Getting lost in a sea of fabric and thread helps so much.  There are no expectations of talking about what's bothering me with the sewing machine (and if my sewing machine DID actually talk back, I'd be very concerned.  I'm learning a new craft called tatting.  It is very relaxing to follow a pattern and make something.

Medications

Medications are not a last resort for me.  I know that I need to be on an antidepressant and an anti-anxiety.  Both have been increased in the last 6 weeks.  The increase has finally started to help.  It's OK to need medications to deal with depression and anxiety.  There is absolutely NOTHING wrong with admitting you need a little help.  

School

I'm finishing up a final anatomy class before I will be at Wake Tech full time.  Knowing that I can't miss class regardless of how I feel makes me get my ass out of bed and get going.  

Not fighting the panic attack

It's gonna happen no matter how much you don't want it to happen.  Don't fight it and maybe, just maybe, it won't last as long as you thought it would.

The Best News  

The best news is that I'm finally starting to pull myself out of this.  It's been a long and exhausting 6 weeks.  But I realize that the panic attacks aren't gonna kill me.  I don't feel like I'm going to jump out of my skin at anytime.  I haven't cried over something silly like the top not going on my contact case.

Changes

Lots of changes have been happening around here lately.  I can handle little changes and just kinda go with the flow and be just fine with them.  Big changes, however, kinda freak me out a little.  OK, a lot.  Between school for me, H turning 17, H getting his driver's license in the next few days, and me changing schools and following a dream, it's been a roller coaster the last few months.

H turned 17 in November.  It's so hard as his mama to see my baby boy as a young man.  To me, he should still be that little boy who thought Mama knew everything.  As a typical teenager, I'm convinced that he thinks I'm the dumbest human on Earth.  Sometimes, I think it shocks him that I actually have brains and am actually quite intelligent.  But then, 5 minutes later, he's asking me some random question and still believes everything I tell him.  I'm waiting to get my brains back, but since I didn't acknowledge that either of my parents knew anything until I was about 30, I guess I have a pretty long wait.

I just finished my 3rd quarter in my pursuit of my Associate's Degree in Applied Science.  The hardest class was Anatomy/Physiology and I aced it.  Fortunately, for me, the way the human body works (or doesn't) fascinates me.  I've kept my 4.0 GPA and haven't gotten any further gray hair.

The other big change is that I decided to truly follow a dream and go to nursing school.  I have so loved being in the classroom and being a labor/delivery nurse has been my dream since H was about 2.  I do worry that my tender Pisces heart will make it tough to handle some of the heartbreak that comes with delivering babies, but I also know that same tender heart will make being a nurse truly the best decision I could ever make.  I'll graduate in about 2 years and finally have my RN before I turn 45.  Since I'm going in with a 4.0 GPA, I will be at the top of the pack and hopefully won't get wait listed.  

I'm really kinda scared about the medical classes that I'll have to take and learning how to do an OB/GYN exam sort of creeps me out (what if the woman's parts smell awful??), but at the same time, I'm so excited about starting this new phase of my life.  I honestly can't wait to be on the hospital floor helping families celebrate the best moments of their lives.  Strangely enough, I also can't wait to console families in those awful moments when their dream of becoming a parent does not come true.  I know that's when my compassionate, loving and tender personality will truly be able to shine, possibly for the first time in my life.  I've been working toward making this dream of my own come true for a very long time.  I feel at peace and comfortable in my own skin for the first time.

I want to be the kind of nurse that I had when I was in labor with H.  She was maternal, loving, comforting, gentle but she also was tough when she needed to be, like when H's heart rate dropped and didn't come back up.  She looked at me and told me that I either needed to get him OUT or I needed to consent to a C-section.  She didn't give me any other options.  When I was getting my epidural (after literally about 72 hours - he was a stubborn thing...), she told me to just put my head on her chest and rubbed my hair while the anesthesiologist did his thing.  That simple gesture made me relax so it was easier to get the catheter in my spine.  I also want to be the kind of nurse as my OB/GYN.  I don't see the doctor but the nurse practitioner.  That's mostly because the doctor fishes with Daddy and that's a little weird.  But it's also because Pat is just simply fantastic and doesn't take any crap from me.

I hope I don't get overwhelmed with all the changes that have happened the last few months and that are going to keep happening at least in the near future.  The last thing I want is to have my anxiety levels get too high.  I don't want it to get so bad that I have to hide until I figure shit out.  So far, that hasn't happened, but I also know that it is a possibility.  I also know that I have a phenomenal support system with family and friends to help me if and when I need it.

College Life

I made it through my first quarter of college.  I can't believe that the first quarter is already done.  It just seems insane to me.  It went by so fast.  Going back to college has always been a dream but one that I didn't think was ever going to be possible.  I'm so glad that I finally made the decision and dammit, I'm sticking to it.

I'm usually not one to talk to many strangers other than a "hey, how are you" sort of thing.  But something strange happened when I walked into the classroom on the first day.  I finally realized that the only way I'm going to truly succeed is to truly come out of my comfort zone.  And I have.  And I'm not sure I've ever been happier.

I'm making new friends that I really think I'll have even after I graduate.  Most of the other students are not a whole lot older than H.  I just kinda talk to them like I would talk to him.  Seems to be working.  I'm not the class clown, but I do get a lot of laughs.

One of the friends that I made, N, is so much like me that it's a little scary.  She's 4 days older than me so our Pisces natures mesh very well.  Where we are alike, we might as well be the same person.  Where we are different, we are total polar opposites.  This makes for some long and very funny phone conversations - especially when she does her impressions of the other students in her program.

One of my instructors just seemed to click with me right away.  I feel like we could have been friends if she weren't my teacher.  Her teaching style just really works for me and my learning style.  I had her for two classes this quarter and I really learned a lot about myself in her classes.  She welcomed questions (and God knows, I ask A LOT of questions), class discussions and was so patient with me when I asked her about a million times "I'm not sure I'm doing this right.  Could you come take a look?" I will miss Ms. C next quarter.

My other instructor, well, she wasn't my favorite.  I did learn stuff in her class.  This was in clear evidence when we played "Jeopardy" on Tuesday and the team I was on beat the shit out of the other 2 teams.  Clearly, I learned something.  I just didn't like her teaching style.

So the first quarter is done.  I made it not only through the quarter, but I made it with a 4.0 GPA and perfect attendance.  I'm so stoked about the upcoming quarter!!!

Music is therapy

Sometimes I wonder if music is as important to other people as it is to me.   I spend a lot of time sitting on the porch and listening to music.  Being a Pisces, it's just natural for me to listen to music.  I've always got music on in the car.  Sometimes, it's country music and sometimes it's Il Divo or Canadian Tenors or Celtic Woman.  Sometimes, it's 80's music.  Sometimes, it's old Southern hymns that we sang (and still sing) in church.

Country music is my first love.  I love the old country stuff by Dolly Partin, Kenny Rogers, Randy Travis and Crystal Gayle.  But I also love the new stuff like Brad Paisley or Luke Bryan or Lady Antebellum.  I love George Jones and George Strait.  George Strait might be the same age as my mom, but he's still yummy.....  I think I know the words to all of Lorrie Morgan's songs.

I discovered Il Divo about 3 years ago.  I'd been listening to Canadian Tenors and Celtic Woman for a couple of years prior to that and my mom called and said "you HAVE to listen to this."  It was Il Divo singing "Amazing Grace" and I was hooked immediately.  It doesn't hurt that they are VERY easy on the eyes.  I'm working on learning the lyrics to all of their songs but the language barrier makes it little tougher than learning the lyrics to country songs.  They sing in English, French, Spanish and Italian.  Listening to them has reawakened my love of learning other languages.  I already speak Portuguese and some French and some Spanish, but now I'm learning Italian too.  Most of the time, I have no idea what I'm singing, but I have a good time nonetheless.

Tonight, I've been listening to hymns from church from when I was a little girl and a teenager.  There are so many of these hymns that I can hear Granny sing.  I was listening to "When the Roll is Called Up Yonder" and I felt like I was 13 again and watching TV with Granny while she rocked a baby to sleep while singing this song.  Even though she's been gone for 13 years, I can still hear her voice.  These old hymns give me strength sometimes and sometimes, they just make me happy.  Tonight, it's a combination of both.  

When H was little, he was convinced that I knew all the words to every song on the radio.  He didn't realize that it was probably a CD playing.  He told me once "Mommie, you should put out an album."  Bless his heart, he didn't realize that Mommie can't carry a tune in a bucket.  I do take a certain pride in the fact that he's almost 17 and I can still sing him to sleep in the car.  He might be falling asleep as a defense mechanism, but I choose to believe it's because it's as comforting to him as listening to Granny or Mom or Daddy singing is to me.  I've always sung to him and music has always been a part of his life.

I grew up listening to both Mom and Daddy singing and playing the piano.  We are a musical family - my brother sings, plays the piano and was in the band in high school.  My sister has a beautiful voice so do my nieces.  H is in the marching band.  Mom's sisters both have beautiful voices and Daddy's brother was in a real band in the 70's.  Like they had a record and everything!

I hope other people find as much peacefulness, relaxation and happiness in music as I do.  I honestly can't imagine not having an appreciation and true love for music.

Back to School

School starts on Monday.  And not just for H, but for me as well.  I decided after not finding a job for the last 4 months that I would finally go back to college.  After some typical Pisces hiding and mulling over, it actually was a very easy decision.  I've wanted to go back to school to finally get my BS in Nursing since H was a little bitty thing, but money, time and circumstances just never allowed that to happen.  Since I do have such a phenomenal support system in place with family and friends, this is a perfect time.  So I will start my journey to becoming a Clinical Medical Assistant on Monday.  It will take me about 18 months to complete.  I will graduate with my Associate's Degree in Applied Science and will be one step closer to getting my Bachelor's Degree in Nursing.  This is some scary shit but I'm ready.  My projected graduation date is April 2017 - just 2 months before H graduates high school.  

Also, H starts his junior year of high school on Monday.  How I got old enough to have a kid old enough to be a junior in high school is beyond me.  I'm so proud of how much he has matured in the last year.

Even better - new pics of the cats.  Sniper will be 5 next week, Harper is 4, Georgie is 3 and baby Saturn is 15 months old.  I love them more each day even though Saturn has chosen H as her person.  

Harper's pretty little face

Georgie being handsome

Saturn on the curtain rod

Sniper staring at Mama
through the back door